Positive Take-Aways from a Relationship Gone Wrong
The way a toxic relationship transforms us boils down to experience, perspective, and how we move forward.
It’s an undoing that, however unnecessary, can help us to become more aware. For me, it was a bumpy — fragmented leap towards the love of my life. It was a necessary step in the process of becoming mentally free enough to be an involved and loving father for my family.
Allow me to provide a quick dose of perspective before I get back to my point.
I was only twelve years old when I met her, the cheater. Her name is Emma, and she really is a wonderful, loveable person. We met in the back corner of a nearly forgotten shop building while our parents were on the other end orchestrating a small group service. Back then her parents were the youth pastors of our very small church, which was in its beginning stages and struggling to take off. Nonetheless, in the midst of the struggle, we became a very tight nit bunch. My mother's role was to be the involved, needy, but passionate single mother who was always there to usher in the other single parents. Emma's parents were the recovered alcoholic youth leaders that always knew how to make kids laugh. This is in no way meant to offend, it’s just what we were.
Our families became the best of friends, and it didn’t take long until we were being teased about our obvious crushes on each other. I remember she consumed my every thought. For a while, I couldn’t go to sleep without spending several minutes thinking about her beforehand. And then — finally, I made my way to her house where I asked her parents for their permission to date her.
We dated platonically for about a year and then her parents brought us the news that they would be moving several hours away.
It was sad.
But then we both drifted into our own crazy teenaged lives and had our own experiences with high school love. We always made some kind of effort to stay in touch though. It was eight years after first parting ways that we bumped into each other at a coffee shop and discovered we both had moved to the same city.
It was destiny — that we would find each other, learn from each other — and then move on again.
It all fell into place and we were in love again. We dove headfirst into the relationship. Thus began an emotional roller coaster which truly challenged me as a young man. It was this relationship that forced me to take a long hard look at who I was and what insecurities I allowed to get in the way.
I never trusted her. I always questioned her and I created problems that didn’t have to be there. There were times when I made my mind up that I wasn’t going to start anything, and then somehow — by my efforts, we were fighting again. A friend pointed out to me that if I kept going on like this, eventually Emma wouldn’t care anymore.
And then it happened.
She cheated and I forgave her. I blamed myself even though she had a mind of her own.
At the time, I wasn’t really sure why I forgave her — I just knew that I didn’t want to let go, and I reasoned that our relationship could still be good. I knew she loved me, and that — to me, was bigger than her mistake. I also liked the idea of being able to say that our relationship was one that persevered, because it gave me hope. There was definitely some codependency in the mix too. Soon enough my insecurities came flooding right back in. Only now they were worse. Eventually, she hopped on a train and went back to her home town. That was the end of us.
But it was the beginning of me seeing things as they were, and it was the start of an uphill climb to a better me.
Looking back I have to reflect on what hurt me the most, and it wasn’t the cheating. I use to think cheating was the worst case scenario for a relationship. The worst part of this relationship, however, was me — and the insecurities that I brought to the table every night. The hurt started long before the cheating did. The hurt was there in every unnecessary fight, every unfounded accusation, and every ridiculous investigation into text messages. Cheating hurts, but if we’re being real — it’s not unforgiveable, and it doesn’t always hurt forever. Love, in all it’s wonder — finds a way and people manage to forgive. What is unforgivable though, is the destruction of something while it’s trying to grow so that it will never have a chance, and that’s what my insecurities did to this relationship.
Moving forward, I am now married to the love of my life and we are happily raising two wild and rambunctious children together. I owe this to the rooting out of bad habits that I became aware of in prior relationships. I don’t go looking for problems anymore. If there is a problem then it will present itself all on it’s own and we will work through it. I no longer throw loaded accusations out there in an attempt to acquire reassurance. I don’t threaten divorce, or break-up — ever! Divorce is a forbidden word. I try my best to reconcile any anger or hurt before I go to bed. I never stop fighting for my partners love, and I keep it cheesy too. Most important of all though, our kids are growing up in a healthy home with plenty of love and affection.
The painful experiences of my past have shaped me into the man, and father that I am proud to be today.
The fact that I was cheated on no longer hurts but it will always weigh heavy on my heart in a positive way. If you're going through heartache now, rest assured that there is a silver lining to it all and it could be a broken road that gets you to where, or who you’re meant to be.
